What's cracking, y'all? Your base tans are looking nice.
I'm hoping to get there myself this season.
Mahalo, you fucking surfers. You goddamn nerds. Heh.
I'm just kidding. We're all part of the tribe.
How are the breaks looking?
You got some lefts, some rights? Spring rims? A-frames?
It's dead, you sponger.
Hell yeah, I'm a sponger.
I'll fucking sponge this whole entire ocean up with my big old dick. Ha-ha-ha.
Damn it.
Back on it.
Whoa! Look at this one.
Looks like K.P.'s about to titty fuck this wave. Adios.
Goddamn it. What the hell was that all about?
- You snaked my wave. - Sorry about that, mister.
- I didn't mean to out you off. - You didn't mean to?
How about this, huh? I didn't mean to do this.
You fucking watch what happens if you're not a local.
Locals only, you fucking grommet. Stay off my beach.
Ron Stark leaves Kenny Powers an absolute mess here
Big Kenny takes the mound trying to save the game.
Bases loaded, a full count, and Guy Nelson at the plate.
It's an absolute pressure cooker situation for La Flama Blanca.
- Come on, Kenny P. - Go, Kenny.
- Let's go Kenny. - Come on, Kenny.
Whoo-hoo. Out!
And that's the game, folks.
Kenny Powers once again racks up another save for the Mermen...
...in his amazing run here in Myrtle Beach.
- Oh, yeah. - Look at y'all jumping around...
...like a bunch of child molesters Tn Chuck E. Cheese.
Damn, you throw your shit out?
N-word, please. These shoulders get tired...
"from carrying the weight of this whole team.
Hit me with your lotion. My skin gets ashy too.
- White people don't get ashy. - Stop being racist.
I'm sick of those comments, dog. Skin is skin. Just ask Jack.
Wish you'd say my name right, Kenny. My name is Jacques. It's a soft J.
You want people to say your name gay, Why don't you go to France? Pfft.
Boo-yah, Shane. You always enter situations in a big way, man.
- You know it. - You burn that fucking monkey.
- Not you, Darnell. - Shane and Powers...
...dream team Tn the motherfucking house, huh?
Yeah, Darnell, you don't have a friend you can do this with.
I'm talking about, right? Like our fingers were dicks.
And these things were pussies.
These dudes are jealous they don't have sense of humors like we do.
- Good moves out there today. - Good moves yourself.
- You kidding? You pitch, I catch. - I bet you do.
- Yeah, right. You wish, Darnell. - Gay jokes are faux pas, player.
You gotta update your material.
- That's right. You so black... - Go on. Finish it.
That's a fucked up situation, being all black.
- What you got? - It's gotta be not fun.
Except for the dancing and the big dick rumors...
wand, like, being good at sports, and all that other positive shit.
The rest of it fucking sucks.
Yeah. Finish strong. Hell yeah.
They're jealous because you're going to the top.
- That's what's happening, Kenny. - Paparaz, motherfucker.
I heard Texas had a full bullpen.
- Hey. - Put a dick in your mouth and shut up.
Don't be a contrary cunt because me and Shane Dog...
...two young bloods, are running this town...
"owning this team, and chasing our goddamn dreams.
What's the matter? Can't hear the words I'm saying?
- Listen to my cock. - All right.
Boom. Knuckle ball. Pow. Boom, boom.
Top Gun, bitch.
That's what that was. You just entered the danger zone.
What do you say we go celebrate in the comfort of our hot ladies?
No diggity no doubt. Who going to drive?
- How about we both drive? - I love that shit.
Goddamn. Look at us, huh?
T-minus five seconds from getting jerked and worked...
- ...by two smoking fucking hotties. - Whoo.
Never saw myself as a one-woman kind of guy.
- That's what true love will do to a man. - It'll do it.
Oh. Look away. Let's pretend like they don't-- We don't see them.
- Oh, there you are. - Hey, lookie here.
Whoo! There we go. Hitting it, huh?
Right? Let's go. Come on.
Race you to the beach. Here we go.
Look at those two crazy kids.
Running around like fucking freed slaves, huh? Heh.
- Hey, I got something for you. - What do you have for me?
Something pretty bad-ass.
Check this shit. I been working on it nonstop.
Part three of my life saga collection.
When I get back to the majors, it's gonna be a humongous piece.
People are gonna be clamouring for the story.
I'm not gonna wanna sit around writing so I did myself a favor...
...and I pre-wrote the bitch.
- Do you understand about publishing? - I understand.
- You do? - Yes.
Publishing is how they make books.
And before they give it to a wide audience...
...they gotta make a bunch of copies of it;.
- That's a good idea. - It's pretty awesome, isn't it?
I want to do It in the dunes today.
I'll be able to break you o*ff'aj bit, I'll slap it...
...but not gonna have time to flip it and rub it down.
I'm not sure if both of us are going to come.
- What the fuck? You promised. - Yeah, I know. I'm pissed too.
I have some last minute shit I gotta attend to.
Why don't you get that beautiful pussy out of them tight jean shorts?
Is she jerking him off'?
Chapter One, the new beginning of the book.
There have been many great comebacks throughout history.
Jesus died, but came back as a Gad zombie.
Ryan O'Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever.
Well, my comeback is almost complete, and when it is...
it will shake the pillars of this land or town.
My story is the story of a raging Christ figure...
...who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans...
...with blood in his eyes and said, "My turn now, Cocksuckers. "
- What's up? - Hello.
It's medicinal. But not for AIDS.
Hey.
Somebody order a stripper?
- Oh, shit. - Oh, look at my dick.
- Kenny. - I'm just kidding. It's a fake dick.
Clearly. Where have you been?
You were supposed to be here. You were gonna help.
Well, I got hung up.
Okay. Well, you missed the cutting of the cake.
I already ate. Stopped at a steakhouse on the way.
Had desserts, appetizers, the whole deal. I'm stuffed as hell.
Good for you.
Got this for the kid, a luxury present.
Don't you want to give it to him yourself?
You could probably just give it to him. He's 1 year old.
Does he even know what planet he's on? Heh.
Just what I need. There's just another thing that I have got to do.
Kenny. No.
- No. - Not trying to be doing it Tn a sexual way.
I'm just trying to comfort you. You seem all stressed out.
Postpartum-y and afterbirth-y. Just trying to make you cool.
You know what? This is Toby's day, Kenny.
This day is for Toby.
Uh, duh. I know that. You're the one making it about yourself.
I'm gonna take a lap.
Give the hometown fans something to fucking gawk at.
I'll see you around.
And now, the world-famous floating girl magic trick.
And then the first pillow, and then the last one.
She's floating, everyone.
Give her another hand. You're going to help out.
Hi.
We can see you. Come on over.
Check out these balloons.
- Kenny, come over, now. - Kenny, come over. Come on.
Jesus Christ.
Ah. Look who's here.
- Hey, what's up, Dustin's family? - What's up, brother?
- Not much. - Look who I have here, huh?
- The birthday boy. - Yeah, I see him.
What's up, Ben & Jerry's? Criss Angel?
Toby, you wanna say hey to your daddy? Huh?
I'm good here. I'm just-- Got a good eye line on the sorcery show.
- Kenny, you wanna take the baby? - No, no, said I'm good.
It's okay. Come on. Take the baby.
Take the baby. Come on.
He wants his daddy. Take the baby.
- Take the baby. - Nope, I'm okay.
- He's cool. He's cool. - Yeah, you want your daddy.
Put your arms around him. He's slipping.
Put your arms around. Kenny, take the baby.
- Hi, baby. - Hi, precious.
Well, I see Kenny came.
Yeah.
I don't even know why he bothered.
Well, you know, he's trying in his own Way, right?
I mean, at least he made it.
What's that expression?
Eighty percent of success is just showing up?
Mm. Yeah, and the other missing 20 is, you know, paying child support...
...being a good daddy, not fucking anything with two tits.
I thought he was, you know, gonna change.
I had real high hopes. But same old shit really.
- Go. - Mom.
- Cassie, can I ask you something? - Course.
- Do you ever regret it? - What?
Having kids?
No.
- Oh, my God, no. - Right. Course. Just curious.
Look at this.
Cassie, thank you so much.
- You're welcome. - See, that's a nice gift.
Yo, Jamie. What's up, dog?
Kenny. You don't--
You don't-- You don't have to do that.
How's fucking work going, dog?
Market's down, but we're hanging on, you know?
Closing a few.
Mergers and acquisitions. I hear you.
How's old big cannons doing?
Well, she seems a little stressed, you know.
Like trying to balance the baby and work.
I'm kind of worried, you know? Because she's--
I don't give a shit about that. Give me the inside hookup.
She seeing anybody?
She doesn't have time for anything except Toby.
Cool. So she's not, like, fucking any other dudes, no booty calls...
...no friends with bennies, backyard brothers? Heh.
I don't think so.
Cool. Well, keep an eye out, man. You know, hos be creeping.
From your dad. Kenny, you wanna come help Toby open--?
- Open his gift? - No, you're the center of attention.
You got it. Just fucking handle your stuff. Heh.
Okay.
Let's see what it is.
Well, look at that.
Mm-hrn. - That is, Toby...
...a Sony.
Sony's a Japanese corporation, April.
It's a PS3. It's a PlayStation.
What an appropriate gift for a baby.
Yeah, it is an appropriate gift for the baby.
It does Blu-rays, which are in high definition.
It's better for his eyes to take upon the movies.
So perfect. Because he's 1.
Oh, trust me. I know. Fucking longest year of my life.
I'm fucking wasted. Ha-ha-ha.
- Well, thank you, Kenny. - Yeah. Well, you're goddamn welcome.
I know that it's a little awkward and strained here...
...at the birthday celebrations.
It's a little weird because April and I aren't together.
I know a lot of people are probably whispering...
...how fucked up it is that Toby comes from a broken home.
I tried to make it work. I didn't fuck anybody for three months. But Whatever.
April kind of does what she wants to do.
I also didn't wanna name the baby Toby...
"because that's a racist name. Am I correct?
You know, you don't need to go into any of this.
No, let me finish, all right? Toby is what the slave masters in Roots...
...made Kunta Kinte be called.
I wanted to call the baby Neil, but that was also not listened to.
So there's that.
The good news is that because April has never given this family a chance...
...to really exist in the first place...
...Toby has no point of reference for what a real family is.
So no damage to my son. My son is totally cool, y'all.
So raise your glasses.
As they say in Mexico, feliz cumpleaños.
To fucking Toby.
Not to fucking him. To, like, he's cool. To fucking Toby.
Okay. Maybe do the next one?
Whoo! One year old. Ha.
Oh, fuck me.
You end up tugging and adjusting all day long.
There's Cami Secret, the new fashion accessory that looks. ..
Just like a tank top.
Watch closely, because here's the real secret.
- It's designed.” - Fucking dumb.
"Right to your bra straps.
What are you doing here?
Um...
I don't know.
I'm not sure what I'm doing here.
I'm glad you came. I wanted to call you and just...
apologize for my behavior at the birthday party.
I know Toby didn't appreciate it. It wasn't anything personal, Toby.
I get weird around crowds these days...
"because I'm a celebrity and a star player.
All that kind of trappings of fame stuff.
- Sorry. - We don't really need to talk about it.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Or, yeah, we can just not talk about it too. Just call it a wash. We're even. That's fine.
Would you just take him? I need to go to the bathroom.
- To hold him? - Yeah. Thank you.
Okay, Toby, here we go, bud.
We're gonna put you on the big people's furniture.
Try not to shit all over it, okay?
Hello, uh, young boy. How have you been?
April, we're kind of running out of shit to say to each other in here.
Conversation's getting a little awkward. How we doing back there?
Kenny, we're gonna need to get going. 80...
- Are you crying? - No. No, I'm just--
I'm just tired.
Yeah, I was gonna say something about you being tired...
"because you have been looking worn down lately.
No offense. I mean, you still look good, but baggage under the eyes.
You know what I think you need?
I think I should call a fucking sitter.
And then you and I go out for a bomb-ass evening...
...in Myrtle Fucking Beach, proper, fucking awesome style.
I think it would do you and I both some good...
...to get out and have some fun without the baby pulling us down for once.
I'm getting all tongue-tied here.
Basically, I think It's high time you set that pussy free.
Set it free.
Set the pussy free.
This gorgeous sunset is rocking my nuts off.
It's so weird. I haven't" I haven't been out like this at night in like a year.
- I try to live free like this every day. - I know.
It's a beautiful sunset, Kenny.
Well, I just wanted to show you what Myrtle Beach has to offer.
Drink, drink, drink!
Looks like somebody's having a real good time.
Yeah. Not a good as time as we're having though.
I'm out of been Let's go get another, shall we?
- Okay. - Let's do it.
- Ladies first. - Thank you.
Oh, shit. We're pulling into port soon. They're going to out the open bar off...
- ...and we need to get shitfaced. - You know, I'm good.
I think we just need to get back, because I don't even know the sitter.
All right, first of all, I know Shane.
He's fucking aces. I'd trust him with 10 babies...
...let alone one that just sits there and does nothing.
- Okay? We're in good hands. - Okay.
You just need to kick back and enjoy yourself for once.
- Is that what I need? - Yes. I remember a girl...
...who used to drink whiskey and smoke joints in 10th grade...
...and come watch me play baseball. Okay? Have some fun.
All right.
- You're in Myrtle Fucking Beach. - Holy shit.
- Take it. - Kenny.
- Just take it, take it. - Shit.
Whoo! All right. Tick, tick, boom.
- Whoo! Heads up. - Ha-ha-ha.
Look out.
Look at that. Hold your dicks for a minute. We'll be done herein a second.
Stay where you at. We wanna play through.
Well, that's mighty white of you, but putt-putt etiquette says...
...you gotta wait till we finish shooting.
You been holding us up for the last hour.
We're gonna play through. I advise you just get the heH out of the way.
- Should I go ahead and shoot?“ - Go ahead, Jimmy;.
No, don't go ahead, Why don't you pick up: that; ball...
...and slide it right up your dad's butthole.
- Hey, don't cuss at my kid. - Butthole. Butthole. Butthole.
- Jimmy, take the shot, son. - No, Jimmy. Don't take the shot.
Take the shot.
Your dad is making you look like a fucking idiot. Don't take the shot.
- Take it, Jimmy. - Jimithon.
- Kenny, stop. - Take the shot, Jimmy.
Take the damn shot, Jimmy.
- What them? - Nice shot, Jimmy.
- You shanked that one. - How about I rip your nuts off...
...and throw them where you just threw my kid's ball, you asshole?
That's a clunky threat, don't you think, bubba?
Okay, wait. I'm sure that we don't wanna set this kind of example...
...in front of your kid.
- And what would you know about that? - Oh, we're parents.
Yeah, and I'm a mother.
- 80... - Well, as a mother...
...I'd think you would not wanna be drunk at the putt-putt in front of kids.
I feel sorry for your child.
Mom!
- Get off her, you crazy bitch. - Oh!
Come on, come on. Hey, goddamn.
Hey, hey, hey. Go, go. Cops.
You guys are fucking rednecks.
This is your fault, Jimmy; you little fucker.
Whoo!
Yeah! Oh!
- Goddamn, you just gave me whiplash. - Hey, no ramming.
So, what, you guys on vacation?
I fucking run this town.
Kenny, over here.
- Hey, we're parents. Suck our dicks. - Suck our dicks.
Fuck yeah.
Who said that hit movies can't be smart?
The only reason he was there is because she was fucking him the whole time.
- What up, dog? - Hi, how you doing, Kenny?
- What's going on, Andrea? - April.
- Who's Andrea?
Nothing. This fucking dude's wasted.
Ha-ha, 0h. Where's Toby? I'm gonna go check on Toby.
Toby's-— Should be back in the dojo unless he learned how to walk and left.
You've got a fucking dojo?
Of course I do. Don't mess with my swords.
- How're things going with April? - Maybe this will answer your inquiry.
Oh, shit. Look at that.
Y'all got an airbrushed T-shirt of some kid with Down syndrome...
- ...and a black girl with your names on it. - No, fucker. This is me.
- You're fucking on fire tonight. - You know why?
- Pills. - I need you to get the fuck out of here...
...so I can finish off this climactic evening.
Well, hey, I wanna know all the dirty details tomorrow.
If you get any cell phone snaps, send them my way.
JPEGS are good for jerking off. We always miss that bottom level.
- Copy that, Goose. - AH right. Goose?
Bullshit. You're Goose. Hell no. I'm Maverick.
I don't think so. I'm fucking Tom Cruise.
- You're Goose. - No, no, no. Because Goose had a family.
Maverick rolled solo. Pimp.
Whatever. Get the fuck out of here.
Who do you think he looks more like?
I don't know, April. I'm fucking wasted.
Just look at him.
He looks like the dude from The Shield. Chiklis.
You asshole.
I know we're both drunk, but I'm just gonna go ahead and say it.
I've been lost without you.
I'm really glad you came here.
April?
Hmm.
"Sorry, Kenny, I'm not myself. Last night only proved it. Be in touch."
What fuck kind of shit is this?
Fuck me.